Dane Monday Saves Christmas (With Help) Read online

  "I expected I should have to deal with you," said Honnenheim tiredly. "When I received an identification signal from the Chinatown Santa right before it went offline, I knew you were catching on. I had hoped to take off before you arrived, but I see that luck has failed me. You always show up."

  "Like a bad penny!" said Dane cheerfully.

  "I suppose the bomb is so I do not have my R-39s kill you immediately?" said Honnenheim.

  "Yes, I figured I'd want some insurance in case you didn't feel like monologuing."

  "You do realize that all the bombs are remotely activated, right? From this very console, in fact," said the Professor, waving at his setup.

  "You're welcome to try setting it off right now," said Dane, "though at this proximity I think we're both going to have a terrible Christmas. But I'll let you in on a secret: you can't set off or shut down this bomb. I changed the frequency before revealing myself. We've done this dance before, we both know how each other thinks." Truthfully, Dane hadn't had the time or tools to change the frequency. He had only jammed a screwdriver into the bomb and twisted it around, hoping that would deactivate it. Under no circumstances would he actually want it to explode in his hands.

  "You have no idea how much the dance is beginning to bore me," said Honnenheim.

  "Really? You're usually so excited for all this! Has the Holiday gotten you down? Where's your Christmas spirit?"

  "Christmas is a holiday for fools," said Honnenheim. "So are Chanukah and Solstice gatherings! All the winter holidays are foolish traditions!"

  "What about Kwanza?"

  "Everyone thinks they are safe on Christmas," said Honnenheim. "They act like the world will just stop so they can take off a day to be with their families. They think goodwill and cheer will change everything when it won't change anything. Not this year. Avalon will know true terror. A burning terror." Honnenheim lapsed into a sullen look.

  "Isn't this the part where you laugh maniacally?" said Dane.

  "I am in no mood for mirth," said Honnenheim.

  "Wow, worse than I thought," said Dane. "I'd say we need to teach you the true meaning of Christmas, but I don't think there's enough Charlie Brown television specials for that."

  "Your playfulness is particularly unappreciated today, Monday."

  "PREPARATIONS COMPLETE," said a robot.

  Honnenheim nodded and swiveled around to the consoles. He looked up at one then pressed a few buttons. A section of the ceiling opened up loudly, snow coming through the gap. The noise of a scuffle from the other side of the warehouse was lost in that sound. Then he pressed another set of buttons and turned back around. "Your bomb is now deactivated. I am disappointed at the bluff, Monday. Did you think I couldn't see the signal on my displays? I would be able to see that the frequency was changed and the bomb missing."

  "Oh, you know, sometimes time is short," said Dane. "You have to improvise."

  "Indeed," said Honnenheim. "Robots, kill him."

  "Wait!" said Dane, putting out his hand in front of him.

  "Oh, what pathetic Monday plot is it now?" said Honnenheim.

  "I brought help. You're in danger. Kill me and you'll suffer their wrath."

  Honnenheim sat back in his chair with an annoyed sigh. "Who is it? The red haired girl? That traitor Jaya? I appreciate that you see worth in them, but neither is particularly dangerous. The girl is harmless and everything Jaya knows she learned from me. Her technology is worthless against me. And if it's that government agent? Well, let's say I have something special planned if he should show up."

  "No, I have someone else to help me," said Dane, turning his head to either side. "Someone who should be helping me right... NOW!"

  There was a moment where everyone, even the robots, were still and there was no noise other than the consoles and the robots.

  "I said, right... NOW!"

  Despite his dour mood, Honnenheim cracked a small smile. "I admit this part of your demise does amuse me."

  Suddenly one of the nearby R-39 robots exploded in a flare of arcing superheated plasma. The robots all turned as another also exploded. All eyes turned to find Szandor standing on top of a stack of crates, holding a plasma cannon ripped from an R-39 he had bludgeoned into pieces.

  "Sorry, I had to figure out how to fire this damn thing," said Szandor. "Funny thing, my aim sucks with real guns, but I'm awesome with this!"

  Dane turned back to Honnenheim. "He's got you in his sights. So I suggest you surrender."

  "Killing is not really your thing, Monday," said Honnenheim.

  "I agree," said Dane. "But I'm not the one holding the plasma cannon. Over there is one pissed off young man who is not feeling the Christmas spirit either."

  "And I grew up in Egan," called Szandor, focusing his gun on Honnenheim, the professor visibly realizing the implications of that statement.

  "Well, I guess that I -" started Honnenheim, before spitting out, "ROBOTS FIRE!" and jumping out of his chair.

  Plasma erupted from multiple guns as the room turned into a brilliant crossfire of superheated death. Szandor destroyed a few robots before their own shots disintegrated the pile of crates he jumped from. Rolling across the floor, he arose and started shooting. He felt as awesomely dangerous as he always thought of himself in his head, so for once reality matched his impressions. He also knew that he didn't have to feel guilty about destroying some robots, so he had plenty of pent-up frustration he could work out through the seriously overpowered plasma cannon.

  Dane had also taken cover when everyone started firing, but he kept an eye on Honnenheim. Then he saw the professor shout, "Ready the sleigh!" When Honnenheim made a run for the sleigh, Dane was right behind him.

  Honnenheim was just getting on the vehicle when Dane tackled him. They fell into the sleigh where they knocked against the R-39 who was in place for the swivel turret. The robot toppled over the side, leaving Dane and Honnenheim alone in the sleigh, engaging in an awkward grapple. Below them, the sleigh's propulsion systems kicked in, initially putting the sleigh into hover mode.

  "Wait, where are you going?" said Szandor, working his way over to the central area, still under fire from robots. However, their ranks were thinning rapidly due to Szandor's own attacks.

  "The console!" shouted Dane, as he struggled with Honnenheim. "Destroy the console!" Dane knew that the bombs across the city were being controlled from there.

  "How?" said Szandor.

  "Think of something!" said Dane with a gasp. He wasn't sure if Honnenheim had been working out or Dane was getting soft, but he was having trouble keeping the professor from going for the sleigh controls. It was slowly lifting from the ground into the sky.

  Szandor looked around at the sizzling wrecks of many robots, but initially didn't see anything that could help him. Then he saw another red felt bag full of presents and knew there was only one way to do this. Well, one way that didn't leave him full of regret at missing the perfect opportunity. It was crazy, reckless, and would be cool in a movie, so of course it was just the thing Szandor Nowak would do.

  Grabbing the sack full of present bombs, Szandor swung it around, using his hips and waist to great effect, finally letting go so that the bag of presents was thrown onto the console. Then he ran forward, jumping onto a crate and then from there leaping up to grab the last available piece of the lifting sleigh that was within reach and not expelling flames or fumes.

  "What are you doing?" said Dane.

  "I got this," said Szandor, turning to look down at the console. In his other hand he still held the plasma cannon. He aimed at the sack of presents on the console and pulled the trigger.

  Plasma arced from the gun and hit the pile of presents. Even without the proper detonation signal, they were still quite volatile, particularly when struck by a stream of superheated plasma. The bombs exploded in a massive impact that sent roaring flames all over the warehouse. The rising sleigh rocked haphazardly from the concussive force. Szandor let the plasma cannon drop as he used both
hands to hold on, loudly questioning his decision as the smoke and force from the explosion washed over him. Even Honnenheim and Dane stopped their melee to look down at the raging fire that now covered the remains of the console and the warehouse.

  "Huh, I guess they were incendiary bombs," said Dane.

  "Of course, did you not hear me call my plan the burning terror?" said Honnenheim.

  They both looked at the raging flames below them and the fact that the sleigh had not yet risen entirely out of the burning warehouse.

  "Uh, I say we have a truce until we get the sleigh out of danger," said Dane.

  "Agreed," said Honnenheim, sitting down at the controls of the sleigh. Dane peered over Honnenheim's shoulder as the professor guided the sleigh up through the exit of the warehouse and then set it moving forward.

  "Those controls look complicated," said Dane.

  "Nonsense, they are quite easy. There is even an autopilot!" said Honnenheim.

  "You're kidding!" said Dane, some of the awe in his voice faked, taking a quick look behind him.

  "Of course not!" said Honnenheim. He flipped a switch and pressed a button. "This is the route by which I will bomb Avalon!"

  "Yeah about that..." said Dane.

  "Keep dreaming, old man," said Szandor.

  He and Dane grabbed Honnenheim and pulled him out of the driver's seat, despite the professor's protests and struggle. The sleigh was picking up speed but was not at full velocity, so it was easy for them to hold Honnenheim over the side and drop him safely onto the top of a not too tall building. As they sped away, they could see the professor was unhurt as he stood at the building's edge shaking a fist at them and pledging their demise.

  Soot smeared Szandor's face and clothes, but he otherwise looked okay. He collapsed into a slouch in the backseat. "I'm dying for a smoke," he said as he pulled out his pack of cigarettes.

  Dane shook his head. "Don't smoke. It's a filthy habit that's going to kill you some day."

  Szandor threw up his arms. "Even at dawn on Christmas in a rocket sleigh who knows how high above the city after destroying a whole battalion there's still someone giving me crap about smoking." But despite his words he put the cigarettes away. "So how do we get down from here? Jump?"

  Dane shook his head again. "We're on autopilot right now. When we need to, I should be able to take us down safely. But this is the route Honnenheim was going to take, making a big circle around the city. I thought it might be nice to take a ride on autopilot for a while. It's not often you get to see a view like this." Dane looked out over Old Avalon, noting that the snow globe wasn't that far off from the real skyline.

  Szandor nodded and stood up. He leaned over the edge of the sleigh, looking out on the city. He admitted it was a good view and probably not one he'd see otherwise. Even with the snow coming down, far more slowly than earlier, the city was beautiful. The view was only marred by smoke from the burning warehouse and the line of fire trucks making their way toward Asher. He could also see the decorations from everyone all over the city. There weren't quite as many lights on, as he realized that everyone was asleep, most ready to wake up on Christmas morning with a song in their heart, whether there was something under the tree for them or not.

  Szandor watched longer, noticing how many holiday decorations were over the town. He realized how much effort people had put into celebrating, both in the more affluent areas and the poorer parts of Avalon. Soon dawn was breaking over the Husks to the east.

  "I haven't always hated Christmas," said Szandor, still staring off the side at the city, Dane behind him looking off the other side of the sleigh. "I used to live for it when I was a kid."

  "Something happened," said Dane. Not a question, a statement.

  "Yeah," said Szandor. "I was ten years old. We never had a lot, but Mom really tried to make things the best they could be. She always tried the hardest at Christmas. She always tried to make sure we had decorations, at least a dinky tree, and something to open under that tree. But some years were better than others. And those other years were much worse.

  "And I was selfish when I was ten. I know Christmas is supposed to be about giving and family, but I really wanted this one thing. I'm not sure why. Aggressive commercial marketing or something. I dropped a lot of hints, but I was ten. I had no idea how much it cost or if it was too much. But I really wanted it. It was the only thing I thought of when I saw Christmas coming."

  "What was it?" asked Dane.

  "You're going to laugh," said Szandor.

  "Why would I laugh?" said Dane. "I won't laugh."

  "It was an action figure," said Szandor. "The Red UltraRider. The one where he rides the Mechadragon. UltraRider had this laser sword and an arm that swung. The dragon shot these yellow plastic bits that were supposed to be lightning but were probably just recycled GI Joe missiles. It seemed awesome to a ten year old though." He paused. "Maybe I was too old for it. Maybe I should have asked for a cheap bike."

  "And you didn't get it," said Dane.

  "Of course I didn't get it," said Szandor. "I realize now that thing was too expensive for me to have asked for. It wasn't one of those $7 figures, it was the full on Mechadragon, it was like $100 or something. But I didn't know that. All I know is that I asked for it all year and didn't get it."

  "What did you get?"

  "Headphones and a cheap mp3 player... used, I think," said Szandor. "And a great gift, don't get me wrong, I used the crap out of that thing until it finally broke. I was inseparable from it for years. I really learned how great a gift it was. But... it wasn't the thing I wanted. I was so obsessed with one thing that when Christmas morning came and I didn't get it... well, I didn't handle myself well. I was a little jerk about it. To Mom, to Mikkel... to everyone. And while I know intellectually I was the jerk, all I remember is my family not understanding, being disappointed, that Christmas was a big waste. That's the Christmas where I learned I could shut everyone out with a pair of headphones.

  "But regardless of the facts of the matter, the emotions stayed. I never liked Christmas after that," said Szandor. "I mean, I soon got to that age where I didn't like anything and I fought with anyone, but I never enjoyed Christmas after that year."

  There was a long pause as they both looked out over the city. The warehouse fire was completely extinguished, but there was still some petulant smoke from the site.

  "So why tell me this?" said Dane.

  "I dunno," said Szandor. "This feels like the part on television where people suddenly get the Christmas spirit. That weird awkward part where everyone gets teary eyed and touchy feely. Like you're going to suddenly tell me there's a red UltraRider Mechadragon figure in that sack."

  Dane took a quick look in the sack, tearing a few presents open. "No, just bombs."

  Szandor gave a quick laugh. "It was stupid. A stupid hope. It's just Christmas. Nothing special happens on Christmas. I don't know why I had a glimmer of hope this year."

  "What are you talking about?" said Dane. "Someone tried to bomb the city and set it on fire! A mad professor was trying to attack Christmas with robots and this rocket sleigh of death! And you disintegrated like a dozen robots with a plasma cannon! Now you're flying over the city in a probably illegal vehicle armed with advanced weaponry! That's really special!"

  In spite of himself, Szandor smiled. "Y'know, you're right."

  "And I know that you have a brother who loves you," said Dane. "I met the guy, I know he looks out for you. So you also have family waiting for you to spend the holidays with them. You got action, adventure, and family all in a twenty-four hour period. If that's not a great holiday, I don't know what is!"

  Szandor looked out at the sun rising above the city. "You know, you're right. What am I being so sad and angsty about? Maybe I didn't get an UltraRider toy over a decade ago, but I spent the day with people who love me! And maybe my year and my life has been crappy, but it's my year and I've lived in the best I could! I've done some amazing things!"

 
"By George, I think he's found the Christmas spirit!" said Dane.

  "Funny," said Szandor.

  "And if you honestly don't want to spend so much time with family for whatever reason, you can come with me for Christmas," said Dane. "A bunch of us are getting together for a big feast."

  "Nah, I appreciate the offer, but I don't want to hangout with a bunch of old guys."

  "But -" started Dane.

  "I think I'm ready to land," said Szandor. "I'm starving for some breakfast."

  "Okay," said Dane. "But here's a random question - what do you think of Christmas hams?"

  6

  It wasn't easy finding a place open for breakfast on Christmas morning, but Szandor eventually found a deli that was willing to overcharge him for coffee and a bacon and egg sandwich. Szandor was in such a good mood that he didn't even make some snide comment when he paid.

  Dane had indeed landed the sleigh, but he hadn't done it anywhere near where they wanted to land. So Szandor was on the north side of town making his way south. The subways were not in service and the roads were clogged even with low traffic, likely due to the Asher fire. The morning sun had begun to melt some of the snow that accumulated, giving the city an almost angelic look as the sunlight glittered off the buildings and the streets.

  Szandor had eaten his sandwich on a bus bench, knowing that the buses weren't in service. Then he slurped on the coffee for a while, lost in thought and trying to gain a little courage. Then he took out his phone and dialed.

  "Wha?" came the sleepy voice of his brother Mikkel.

  "I wasn't sure if you were going to still be up or not," said Szandor.

  "When Carly's here I get to sleep a little earlier," said Mikkel with a yawn. "In fact I would probably have gotten up in a little while. Well, maybe not on Christmas." He yawned again. "So what's up? Are you in trouble?"

  "No," said Szandor. "Well, not anymore, at least. That's really not the point though. I wanted to call to... well... I'm going to come over for Christmas dinner today. If there's still a spot for me."